Posted by: Madhavi CN | May 7, 2010

Confessions

Normally, we consider confessing only after we have done something that churns our internal peace. I prefer to be done with it, either beyond wooden curtains or to God through a silent prayer. But today I confess to the world, not just to lighten my heart but also to get the reassurance that minor lapses are o.k.

This is about yesterday.

The hot evening was a follow-up to the blazing afternoon that I could pass up in the cool comfort of my air-conditioned office. Heading home in my AC car with Adnan Sami’s crooning “mujhko bi lift karade” insulated me from the heat, dust and noise outside. Summers push the dark nights down further. So even at 8PM, people were lazily cooling off at the various lassi and faluda centers interspersed on the road home – one of the city’s busiest. ‘Benguluru’ tender coconuts were making a neat profit in Hyderabad. It was pleasant to watch people make the most out of the existing comforts. Whenever things balance, my heart gets filled with some sort of compassion and a firm resolve to do a good turn. So it was, at that moment. I resolved to be more involved with the environment.

As if to test, or so at least I should have known then, came this sight where two street urchins were asleep (or perhaps fainted). Fainted, it might not have been, for they were in an embrace. These two tired souls were almost on the road, for the pavement was not there or has been occupied by the small time vendors. None took notice of them and people were simple walking around them as if they were part of the regular roadside trash. I must have noticed them perhaps because of the increased awareness. But not even my resolution made me stop-by, wake them and offer something to eat and drink. I did none of these, I just drove past. As if my wishful thinking itself has taken care of them, I kept on driving on the busy road thinking of the good things I could have done for them. I was just in a hurry to reach home.

They were too small to take advantage of a kind soul, they were not even aware of the world around – they were just trying to knock the heat down (or did it knock them?) by doing something that they could afford independently.

I felt ashamed reveling in my “kindness” that was not there. I was not tight-pursed – at least not when it comes to feeding two little souls and showing care.

Then, why did it happen so, why did I not stop? Why did I not go back at least once when I realized it? Why am I putting it all here? Why am I looking for comfort through a confession? Is it OK if we admit our blunder? Has this sort of thing happen to you?

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